19th May 1453

excerpt from the "dark angel"

 

it seems then that I am to drain the cup of destruction and death to the very drags.

i was not allowed to die last night.

once, to impress giustiaiani, i told him that i was heard, immune. i meant only that it is possible for the spirit to master the body and its sensations. but i am not hard. and my body no longer obeys my spirit.

the professional solders say enviously "you're lucky, jean ange!"

its not luck. i perceive more keenly the painfully then ever that no one dies before his appointed hour. wildly though death may rage against the walls of my city both day and night, every ball followed a path traced by God.

;Last night we burned down the Turks' siege-tower. in the opinion of many this was a greater marvel then the erection of it in a single night.

during the darkest hours i lay at its foot clad in Turkish dress. i heard this password. someone trod on me in the darkness, but as i never moved a muscle he took me for a corpse.

two hours before daybreak we forced our way into the tower, smashed open the ports and succeeded into throwing in a few earthenware ports filled with gunpowder. without these we could never have set it alight. may hair and eyebrows have been singed away and my hands are covered with blisters.

giustiniani did not recognise me when i came crawling back. of those who  entered the tower i am the only survivor.

some of the Turkish occupants escaped. this morning the sultan had them executed and impaled their heads on stakes.

the bombardment roars in my ears and the floor trembles under my feet.

worse then the smarting of face or hands is the searing bitterness in my heart.

after the earthquake in hungry; that was the first time. then at varna. he said then; "we shall meet against at the gate of St. Romanos." tonight i awaited him there, but he never came.